Jennifer wasn’t actually looking for a dietitian even though she’d spent years asking herself the same frustrating question: “Why do I lose weight and gain it back?”.

Her sister, Judy, found me first.

Over the course of a year, Judy and I worked through my Feelings and Fries and Willpower and Weight Loss programs. As the months passed, Jennifer noticed something in her sister had changed.

Of course, Judy was wearing smaller clothes and seemed more confident in her swimsuit.

But something else was different.

She no longer obsessed over every bite of food.

She wasn’t saying things like “I can’t have chips.” She was eating a handful of chips and stopping. Effortlessly.

She wasn’t beating herself up after having dessert.

Food no longer seemed to be stressful. It seemed easy.

Finally, Jennifer asked,

“What are you doing differently?”

Judy smiled.

“This time I’m not just following a diet plan. I’m learning about the psychology behind why I have struggled with food all these years.”

Those words stayed with Jennifer.

A few weeks later, the sisters took a vacation together.

Between long walks on the beach, dinners together, and late-night conversations, they found themselves talking about childhood.

Jennifer described their mother as loving but she could be critical and demanding.

“Mom always expected a lot from us.” Judy nodded.

“She did.” Jennifer shrugged.

“I actually think it was a good thing. “I would rather have had high expectations rather than no expectations.”

There was a long pause.

Then Judy quietly said,

“I don’t think I experienced it the same way you did.”

That surprised Jennifer.

After all, they had grown up in the same home with the same parents.

How could they have such different experiences?

As they continued talking, old memories began surfacing.

Their mother frequently critiqued the girls.

Their clothes. Their hair. Their weight. Their food choices. Their grades. Their friend choices.

She cared deeply about how her daughters presented themselves to the world. She taught them that it was important to make good impressions on others. She wanted them to be well-liked, well respected and successful. Image was a big part of that success.

Jennifer had always believed her mom’s comments motivated her.

For the first time, she wondered if they had also taught her something else.

“Maybe I’m only good enough when I look a certain way.”

Chasing the Perfect Body

As Jennifer reflected on her life, the pattern became impossible to ignore.

She joined Weight Watchers when she was just nineteen even though she remembers her friends telling her she didn’t need to lose weight.

After her first pregnancy, she gained more weight than she expected.

Her mother quickly pointed out that a new weight loss doctor had opened up just across town and suggested Jennifer make an appointment.

Jennifer didn’t resent her mother.

She knew her mom loved her.

She also knew appearances mattered a great deal to her.

Without realizing it, Jennifer had spent years trying to earn something she already deserved.

Acceptance.

She believed if she could finally achieve the perfect body…

Then she would finally feel good enough. Mom would be proud.

So she did what millions of people do.  She chased a number on a scale.

She paid into a fancy program that promised success. And it worked, until she got pregnant with baby 2 and gained all the weight back plus some. 

She joined a group at her church for accountability. That worked! 8 lbs down.

Then the summer came and she got lazy. Vacations gave her an excuse.   7 lbs came back. 

She read a book on body acceptance. Jennifer thought if she could just learn to accept the body she had and stop dieting that would be her key to finding peace with food.  The words no the page made sense, but it didn’t translate to any changes in her thoughts or actions. 

For all her efforts, she saw the number on the scale change.  But what she realized was that the way she felt about herself didn’t. She never felt good enough. Her body was a problem to be solved and she was tired of trying.

The Real Work Began

After returning from that vacation, Jennifer enrolled in Feelings and Fries.

Though sometimes unpleasant, Jennifer was open to revisiting her childhood. To recalling her mom’s words. To recalling how it made her feel. To remembering how she sat in her room in tears wondering what she had to do to get smaller thighs. And then to questioning how that experience made her adopt certain beliefs, such as “I’m not good enough.” and “How you look is important if you want to be respected.”

Jennifer began to put everything together just as Judy had. Jennifer said that mom having high expectations absolutely helped her in some ways. She studied hard. She was respectful, followed the rules, and never got in trouble. But in other ways, she could now see the expectations of how she should look had left a wound.

She had spent years trying to eat perfectly in order to have the perfect body. Each time she overate or indulged in ice cream, she had an inner voice that criticized her. Each time she failed she reinforced the belief that “I’m not good enough.” 

The problem was…

Weight loss could never heal a belief it didn’t create.

A Different Goal

Jennifer didn’t need another meal plan.

She already knew how to lose weight.

She’d proven that many times.

This time, the work looked different.

She began noticing the thoughts that surfaced whenever the scale went up a pound.

She learned that guilt wasn’t a helpful nutrition strategy.

She practiced responding to herself with curiosity instead of criticism.

She learned how to nourish her body with foods that made her feel good while still leaving room for foods she simply enjoyed.

Most importantly…

Jennifer discovered that her weight wasn’t a morality issue.

Losing weight didn’t make her a better person.

Gaining weight didn’t make her a failure.

Food didn’t determine whether she’d been “good” or “bad” that day.

For the first time, Jennifer stopped chasing perfection.

Instead, she defined what good enough looked like in her life. 

Eating perfectly is not realistic, so what is “good enough” for you?

Exercising perfectly is not realistic, so what is “good enough” for you?

Losing 2 lbs/week is not always realistic. What weight loss is “good enough” for you?

Good enough became surprisingly peaceful.

What If Your Story Is Similar?

Not everyone who struggles with weight has childhood experiences like Jennifer’s.

And not everyone who experienced criticism growing up develops a difficult relationship with food.

But sometimes, our earliest experiences quietly shape the way we think about ourselves without us ever realizing it.

If you’ve spent years believing that losing weight will finally make you feel good enough or worthy…

It may be worth asking a different question. Want to read more about how childhood can impact your relationship with food? Here’s another blog I wrote with a slightly different perspective on your inner child.

What if the number on the scale was never the real problem?

Sometimes lasting change doesn’t begin with another diet.

Sometimes it begins by understanding the beliefs that have quietly influenced your relationship with food for years.

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

And you don’t have to figure it out by yourself. Contact me sherri@sherriclarkenutrition.com today and learn how we can work together!